i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
