I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
