you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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