i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I deserve this hangover.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
