Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
