I heard we made out
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
