Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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