did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
