when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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