dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
