Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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