Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
