she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
