dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
