He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
