if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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