Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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