I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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