Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
