I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
