I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
