my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
