I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
