you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
