i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
