Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
