so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
