don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
