Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
