Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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