it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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