the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
