also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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