The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
