i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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