So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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