filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
