Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there's paper in my vomit.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
