I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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