The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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