i permit you to call me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
