I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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