I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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