apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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