I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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