listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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