i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
