Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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