So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
