Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
