I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
