How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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