You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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