they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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