I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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